A conflicting mind

I’ve woken up today feeling funny. Not ha ha funny but the hmm I feel weird kind of funny. I have so much work to do and I just want to stay in bed.

I hate it when I wake up and just feel confused. And then I feel guilty for feeling how I’m feeling. It’s so annoying. I need to just give myself a break one part of me thinks. But then the other part of me thinks no you can’t, you don’t have time to stay in bed, you need to get up, you have so much work to do!

I hate it when I wake up and I can’t even tell if I’m in a good or bad mood. Or if I’m happy or sad. Relaxed or anxious. I can’t tell what I want or need or what I feel like doing. I just feel like I can’t work myself out. In all honesty I feel like this a lot. But some days are worse than others.

I hate it when people expect a lot from me and then make me feel guilty for not providing or doing what they expect. No matter how many times I spell things out like – I find it hard to focus on work when big things are going on in my life, or how I have anger issues I’m trying to deal with. Or how I am self conscious or insecure. Anxious or irritable. People like to challenge me and then seem surprised when I react how I do. I’ve spelt it out in numerous ways. I’m trying the hardest I can everyday and it’s never enough. I spell things out when I’m in better moods to try and help people realise what could happen or what I can be like in certain circumstances as I’m not good at communicating when I am in a particular mood. So I do all this to make it easier so people can try and figure me out and just leave me to it or understand better where I am in that moment. But it never works because when I’m in a certain mood I find myself being misunderstood and being responded to the opposite to how I need to be in that moment. Maybe I expect a lot. People can’t read minds. Can’t tell when I’m in a certain mood or whatever. And I guess it’s up to me to be clearer and just try and explain how I am feeling and what I need. But when you don’t even know how you’re feeling and you can’t articulate yourself well, how are you meant to let someone else know?

I hate that when I’m in certain moods I know exactly what I should do, I know what’s best for me, but I can’t or won’t do it sometimes because doing nothing is a lot easier. Even though the end result of doing nothing doesn’t benefit me.

I hate that most of the time I feel like I don’t know exactly what I want to say – because it’s usually feelings and not words – so things come out completely wrong and then people misunderstand me and I think to myself that’s not what I am trying to say at all, that’s not what I mean, that’s not what I want or how I want to make you feel.

I hate that sometimes I wake up and feel like there are two of me inside my head. And they hate each other. One wants the best for me, the other wants to indulge in depression. One wants to go out and seize the day. The other wants to curl up into a ball in bed. One wants to be fun and free and also calm and hardworking. The other wants to be oppositional and closed and also complantative, anxious and lazy.

On days like this when you feel like your mind is in a really big game of tug of war, what do we do?

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